Lesbian Organ Player and Choir Leader is Striving for Change in the Lithuanian Countryside

Ausma Sakalauskaitė (35) is an organist who teaches music, plays in churches and at funerals, and although she is not an LGBT activist, being in the closet is definitely not an option for her. In this report, she tells us about the price of being out in public, working in the countryside and about some of the most significant words of Pope Francis.

We meet in a café, near St. Kotryna’s Church. Even though the heater is broken, the room warms up quickly from Ausma’s smile and striking positivity. Ausma seems to be full of energy – five days a week she teaches music in a school in Vilnius, and on the weekends in Kalvarija where she also leads a choir named Sonantem, she plays in churches, and when people ask – at funerals. Finding her place in the big city, as she says, was not successful. Her priority is to return to her native land. Now, she does what she loves.

She started playing in the church at the age of fifteen, upon the request of a visiting pastor. Her first time to play at a funeral happened after the death of a fellow choir member: “It was our condolence, our prayer.” When asked about her feelings towards playing at funerals, she admitted that it actually feels good: „I find it healthy to see the other side of life as well, since it is not only about dancing at weddings and other celebrations.” I want to change as much as I can. You can change people around you just by being open. Ausma openly accepts whatever life gives her, even those difficult tasks that many would reject. “One day I received an unexpected and rather urgent request to burry a person, because the priest was not available. So, I accepted it and contacted another priest for some advice. The funeral was like being in Siberia. It was not pleasant, but there was no other option. I conducted it just like a priest would do.”

Although there is one thing she has never planned at all: “I never imagined in my life, that I would be a teacher. It happened by accident. One time, a stranger from our village asked me to teach her daughter how to play the organ. I invited her to the church, but did not manage to teach her properly. But at least I started learning to teach.”

Fired from the church after going public about her sexual orientation

Ausma is one of the first openly gay women in Lithuania and she knows its price. After her active participation in Baltic Pride 2010 and 2013 and several TV appearances, she was fired from her job at the church. It was a very difficult period in her life: “I had no use out of it, only negative emotions.” At that time, she was not allowed to do what she loved, and on the top of it, these events also affected her family and close relatives. Despite the difficulties, she says she has no regrets and would do it again: “I always believed that I have to do this.” From that day on, she shares her experience with those interested and this is the second year when she participates in Vilnius University lectures about LGBT people, designed for psychologists.

Today, activism is not her first priority: “I think I have done my job. Now, there are plenty of people talking about it, but there weren’t back then. My activism is that I am here – she smiles and says that she will definitely participate in the next LGBT pride in Vilnius.”

The pope sets the tone, but the opposition remains

The church, just like small towns and villages are considered as a very conservative environment, which hardly accept different people. And yet, today Ausma is very glad that she managed to create a warm environment around her. „When you are a leader, and the way you are is unacceptable for the people, they are far from you. The ones that gather are warm and lovely people who are able to think critically. They want to create, their eyes sparkle.” – she says about the choir she started conducting three years ago. – “A priest invited me to play on the Sunday masses. There were only five people singing in the choir – one of them was seventy, the other was seventeen … it was not a choir. Following my intuition and persistence, I started gathering people. Now it is almost thirteen of us, we are an independent organisation.” Sentiments towards the church come from various people – priests and bishops: “for almost five years, I had a very spiritual, wise pastor in Kalvarija. I always attended his masses.” She stopped going to the church after the arrival of another priest, but she does not make a big deal out of it: “This is how I see it: the priest is a temporary guest and the parish is the people.” The young woman is glad that the church became more modern and that views are shifting. A good example for this is Pope Francis’s public statement about respecting homosexual people and speaking out against discrimination. Ausma says that statements like this are very important: “The Pope sets the tone, and opposition/ different views remain – in various topics, not just in this one.”

Life depends on us

While Ausme sees a positive change in society since her coming out, she remains realistic: “I cannot justify some of the decisions of the government, and some laws.” Although she does not consider leaving the country. “Perhaps it would worth it, but I want things to change here. Life depends on us, we create it. The way things are is not just. And that gives us strength and motivation. I want to change things here, as much as I can. Just by being open you are changing people around you.” Now this young leader of the choir enthusiastically speaks about her future plans and choir activities. This summer, a concert in Italy awaits. Ausma also plans to participate in the annual Lithuanian music festival in commemoration of the restoration of the country‘s independence. However, she is sorry that even though, this is the only choir like this in Kalvarija, they do not receive any support from the local government. Still, she does not want to give up the fight at all. She believes that music has a great meaning in people‘s lives, especially in the countryside, where unlike in big cities, there is a lack of activities and confidence: “The self-esteem people have in the countryside is different. This is why music is so important there – it makes a person grow, helps to rise above the ground. Music has helped me grow as well. I used to be as quiet as a mouse. Music has given me confidence, shaped me to be who I am today. Music is about feelings. However, playing music also requires to convey these feelings. This is art. I cannot exist without music.” – she smiles.